You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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