Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
