are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
