hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
