Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
