forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
