this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
