I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
