my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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