I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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