Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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