how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
