Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
