I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
