I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
