I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
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I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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