I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
