So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
