dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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