R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
