Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
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After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
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Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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