How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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