her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
