If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
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Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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