i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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