This is not my ceiling
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
