Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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