when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
