She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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