Cold hands, warm shart.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
