Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
