Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex