One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
