God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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