think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
