i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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