I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
