dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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