Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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