It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
