It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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