No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
