WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
