Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
