Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
