can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
