My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
