Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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