its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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