At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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