if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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