onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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