omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
