The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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