White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
