Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
