last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
