If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
