YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
