I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
