god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
